The day you left

Hi. I'm feeling much better after he left me so I guess it's time for me to continue blogging. I was so silly, so desperate. Clinging on to him so tightly made me look nothing but a piece of pathetic shit. I regretted my actions, showing him how much I needed him. Truth is, I do not need a guy like him. I do not need someone like him, walking into my life, making himself matter and then leave. Just like that. Abruptly. However, I allowed him to do so and part of me is to be blamed. I've learned my lesson, a painful lesson indeed. I will emerge stronger than ever before, I promise. This storm will pass. Just like all rainy days, it will pass. No storms last forever. My broken heart will definitely heal over time. 

So I've started working and it can get really tiring and boring but the pay's good so I'm gonna carry on and I need to earn some money as well as find something to keep me occupied and I met him today we watched ted he said he still loves me and I believed him but the saddest thing in the whole wide world is that we can't be together yet so I'm still sad and yesterday and today was the worst don't know why those past happy memories kept replaying in my head over and over again so I couldn't take it and I went to find him today. Today was also my first pilates lesson it was tedious it was tiring but I got through it and I came home to find a packet of ritter sports rum and rasin hazelnut chocolate for me. Turned out to be from my brother and it was really nice the chocolate and of course really sweet of him to buy me that packet of chocolate he even threw the wrapper for me and put the remaining of chocolate left in the fridge thank you brother I know you will not read this but I love you.

I do not miss you I do no miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do not miss you I do miss you.

What more can I ask for

Today is one of my happiest day in 2012 as I feel so loved and treasured by my closest family members and friends. Words could not express how happy and touched I am because of them. Especially when Uncle gave me a watch for my birthday and Jenny surprised me with a birthday cake. Never did I expect them to do those for me. I have a different view of them now and because of their first step of love towards me, forgiveness and love in return flowed through me. I could feel the ice breaking and slowly melting. This is indeed a great step of my working of forgiveness towards them. I had a great time crapping and laughing about silly little things with my dearest mum and sister while I finally got to try TWG. It wasn't that fantastic, just normal and service was not that good either. I would not go back again for a long while, I guess. Strolled  around Marina bay sands for a little while then off to my mother's house as I didn't want to go back home yet. Was hesitating to go to mum's place but something just prompt me to go. Received a number of gifts today, my sister bought me a stitch soft toy with her own savings. How sweet is that? Loving the gifts Xiu jie and Charlene bought me too. They are really such sweet, sincere and thoughtful friends. Really, what more can I ask for? I made a lot of birthday wishes this year and the first one was for Daniel to be the right guy in my life. Second one was to be friends forever with Xiu Jie and Charlene, to celebrate my birthday with them every year and that we will always remain true and close to one another. Third one was for my dad, brother, Jenny and I to be a happy family and to have a stronger bond with one another and that my dad will quarrel lesser with Jenny.

Before the clock hits 12 today, I shall type a post about my birthday. I had a pleasant day together, spending my day at Gardens by the bay and roaming around orchard. Dinner was nice but expensive as it was really fine, quality Japanese food. Felt like a queen inside the restaurant as waitresses constantly serve us and even presented the food to us. Chefs waited for us to finish our dishes first before serving us another dish. I would definitely go back again as service and food were fantastic. So, this is my first time spending my birthday with him and I truly enjoyed it. Anticipating tomorrow and Sunday as I will be celebrating my birthday again with my beloved mother and friends! Can't wait to sit cable car, have another nice dinner at Mount Faber and talk about everything randomly with them. Can't wait to have a belated birthday celebration with Plankton too. These people are the ones I want to celebrate with every single year till the day I'm gone. Also, went to my grandma's house yesterday and she gave me a red packet. Every single year, she gives me a red packet before my birthday or on the day itself. Really thankful for my grandma and what she has done for me. I cannot imagine losing her one day. :'( 

The ice is getting thinner.

I can feel you fading away from me. Drifting away further and further. I can feel your feelings towards me slowly fading away. Why? Is it me or is it you? Or is it us? Perhaps, like what I have always thought of us, we were never meant to be. We were both immature then. Yet, I'm surprised at how far we have came. But, we are both hurting from this love. Always hurting. Constantly hurting. It is obvious that now, our anger, disappointments, bitterness, sadness, tiredness and unhappiness with one another have overwhelmed the happiness we once shared together. Now, I understand the true meaning of temporary happiness. That fleeting moment of happiness and joy. It wasn't true joy. It wasn't everlasting joy. So, I will have to pay the price now since I have made that choice myself. As I learn to slowly let you go now I know you will not chase after me anymore. I know you have decided long ago to stop chasing after me. You have learnt to watch me go. You are willing to watch me go. You are willing to let me go. So, I'm going to let you go. I'm going to learn to let you go day by day. Every minute I will tell myself that it is time to let you go. To stop holding on to you.

And these, are really speaking of us.

A post about my piggies.

So, I was playing with my guinea pigs and I realized just how different their characters are. My first guinea pig which I bought named Truffie is so gentle, timid and demure and he loves to be cuddled by me a lot while my second piggy is so active and rebellious. He hates to be carried and cuddled. Somehow, I regretted buying second piggy cause Truffie can't get along with him. My intention was to put them in a same cage together and let them be friends with one another so Truffie would be less bored. What a wrong decision I've made. Thought of giving/selling second piggy away but it isn't very fair to do that. Plus, second piggy is really adorable. I thought all guinea pigs are easy to handle cause Truffie is such a good good piggy. He is too good to be true. He lets me feed it, carry it, stroke it, carry it and it makes purring sounds when I cuddle it. He likes me. Truffie caught my eye the moment I saw it at a pet shop because he reminds me of the guinea pig in Bolt. Second piggy is also adorable but he is just the complete opposite of Truffie. I really hope he will start to like me more and let me cuddle him and not run away when I let him roam around my house. Once I start giving him freedom, he never wants to be caught again.

Here is how my first piggy look like

Real pics of my two piggies

when truffie was still young

Dear mum,  I miss you.  I missed you the moment you stepped out of my car. I don't why today i'm in such a bad mood and i treated you unfairly. I was impatient to you and irritated with you half of the day. I grumbled and complained of being tired and was even unwilling to send you back home. I'm sorry. I felt so terrible after you left me and I really missed your presence and voice after you left. I wanted you back by my side. I wanted you to talk to me. I wanted to hear your voice and feel your presence again. And the thought of seeing you again only in a week's time, killed me. I don't know why but i burst out crying uncontrollably while I was driving back home. Haven't cried this way over you for a long time already. Why? I don't know. Just wanna stay with you mum. Just wanna live with you everyday. Just find it unfair that you're my mum but we can't even live together. Whywhywhy. So many questions ran through my mind just now. I started praying and I felt comforted by God. While I was sobbing and driving on the highway, it started raining all of a sudden. And what is surprising is that my car's wiper started wiping away the rain automatically. I feel that god is trying to tell me that he is wiping away my tears. And that he wants to. He wants to comfort me. He is always always here. I love you mum. I thank god for you even though our life has not been easy. All things work together for good, mum. Thank you, God.

I hate your fashion sense. I hate how unloving you are, serving yourself first such as spreading butter on the bread and eating it instead of giving it to me. I hate how pretentious you are, offering to pay something for me but end up taking your cash or credit card unwillingly and I, ended up paying for it. I hate the clueless you, not caring to give me any opinions when i am stuck between choices of what to buy. I hate how you always raise your voice at me. I hate how you always seize every opportunity to look at girls. I hate how you always forget that I am by your side. I hate your indifference. I hate your hurtful jokes, which are mostly about how fat or ugly or how pimply i look. I hate your jokes. Most of all, I hate your never ending lies.

It's funny how come i don't cry though i miss you and ever since you left me.. I've figured maybe it's because I'm too used to people leaving me.. or probably I've cried too many night and too many times before. When I was younger. I have probably grown numb to this similar pain and this similar kind of sadness. You can get used to a certain kind of sadness, y'know? I'm surprised I'm so much stronger than I think I am. Yesterday night, had a dream about my brother. Dreamed that he was lost and I cried so bad.. I really can't imagine if that really happens in real life. Even in my dream, i could feel the extreme pain already. So, I've been thinking about my current life and here are some goals which I have set for myself:

1. Grow closer to God, focus solely on him.
2. Achieve a nice figure.
3. Achieve good results.
4. Grow closer to my good friends, form a stronger relationship with them and spend more time with them.
5. Spend more time with my family. (brother, dad, mom, grandma, sister)

Just so you know, i miss you so much. Though it pains me to agree to this decision, I still agreed to it. Because i know that staying on will just hurt so much more. Without you even for a day, I feel that something is missing in my life. Part of me is missing. I did not even realize that i have gotten so used to you. Your voice, your presence, your hands, everything. I really didn't expect myself to miss you and think of you so much so that your name lingers in my mind almost every minute. That i even called out your name on accident  when i was calling my friends and thankfully, i spoke your name softly, so no one heard. Except me. Living in a torturous state of not having you by my side anymore. Tonight is not so lonely after all, I had so much fun with my best friend and Gabriel, simply roaming around town and making last minute activities which ended up to be, so great. So glad to have them in my life.