Today marks the end of 2011. I had a great time with my two beloved friends, charlene and xiu jie yesterday. Sad to say that our much anticipated night safari trip was cancelled due to the ridiculously crowd and queue there. Really sad and disappointing but no point brooding about it. :( Our mood lightened up knowing we can always go another day next year and most importantly, us meeting up and spending time together is enough. We went to amk hub after taking some pictures and as usual, we caught up with one another and exchanged presents. Loving all the presents from them! :) I'm so thankful for them :)

Anyhow, I was taking a long hot shower just now and thinking about year 2012. Have been thinking a lot about my new year resolutions. So here I go, listing them down.

1) letting go of things i hold so dearly to.
2) Totally surrendering myself to god.
3) Giving my all for god.
4) Be truly satisfied with myself and my relationship with god.
5) Pray everyday.
6) Do my own quiet time everyday.
7) Read more books.
8) 100 percent concentration in class.
9) Stretch my limits.
10)Join tya or Gkids.
11)Love my enemies. (Yes, including some of those awful people I'll be facing almost everyday in my class.)
12)Lose weight healthily. (eat healthy, sleep early and exercise regularly.)
13)Start a new hobby. (kickboxing, fencing, baking etc.)
14)Learn to be more independent.
15)Get my driving license.
16)Study hard.
17)Get better grades.
18)Spend more time with my family.
19)Drive!!
20)Obeying god completely.
21)Win souls.
22)Control my spending.
23)Travel overseas!!

Yep, that's about it. :) I pray that god will help me to achieve all of the goals i have listed down. Gonna post some pictures of yesterday!

This year is coming to an end.. time to do a reflection. Did i lead a meaningful life this year? i guess not. am i going to start leading a more meaningful life next year? yes. i want to and i will try. it's so hard to apply it to my life. I've been given a wake-up call from god during the 5157 camp. now, i know that time is indeed very short. our life is fragile. we can't just waste it away doing meaningless and worldly things day by day. we got to make every second count for god and spend time with him. I want to finish the race god has given me. i don't want to die and be known just as an ordinary person leading an ordinary life. i want to stop being mediocre. because god wants me to accomplish something bigger in life. It's tiring, painful and difficult but the road to god's kingdom is narrow. i want to be god's good servant. I want to fight the good fight and finish the race god has called me to.

2 timothy 4:7

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

December.

It is finally december. last december seems like yesterday. how time flies. One mood to describe me now is holiday. I'm completely in a holiday mood now. i can't concentrate in class at all. furthermore, it's financial accounting lesson today. oh how i hate this module. i feel so useless and helplessness every time i attend lessons for this module. i hate this feeling :( i'm actually dreaming away now, wishing i'm in a cold country experiencing winter. sitting by a cosy fireplace with my loved ones and enjoying the season of december. chatting, laughing, eating, skiing, building snowman out in the snow. throwing snowballs at one another, eating logcakes and turkey. but in reality, i'm in a classroom full of people with dead expressions, a teacher talking about stuff which i don't understand and struggling to attempt at least a single question in the worksheet. the teacher must have already noticed how distracted i am. :( the fact is, i can't help it.

oh my dreams:( brain, please shift back to studying mood right now. i just saw a pretty cool blog which only post winter pictures. shall post some of the pictures here!

hello there. i'm home early today on a Saturday! went for camp briefing followed by teens service today. tons of things to brief us about regarding the 5157 camp i'll be attending next sunday. i was actually feeling negative about the camp and even felt like withdrawing from it because i'm afraid i'll not have the capability to help out and being left out during the trip. had a different perspective after pastor lily said that the theme of this camp is to make our lives count. it is doing something good and making our lives accountable to god. it is all about serving god. when we serve people, we are also serving god. i'm sure god won't be very pleased if i withdraw from this camp. oh well shall just be brave and go ahead :) i should start growing as a christian and stop being in my comfort zone. perhaps this is an opportunity for me to step out of my comfort zone!

anyhow, i have started my practical driving lessons and it was scary at first but i'm starting to enjoy the essence of it! i can't wait to get my license officially. though it's tiring for me as i can only go for lessons after school but i will persevere! another update from me, i'm going to start learning fencing next year! finally! I've always been intrigued by this sport but didn't do anything about it. i've decided to take up this sport and will officially start attending lessons for fencing the beginning of next year! so excited!

Portishead

Here i am, blogging in my brother's office. skipped school today otherwise i wouldn't have enough time to study for tomorrow's marketing test. i know skipping school is bad for me but i have no choice :( was too tired to study yesterday. sigh. oh well at least i got to spend time with my brother. thank god for him! without him, i don't think i can survive in this family. he makes my life less scary and lonely. it's nice to be able to depend on him and he really cares for me a lot although he don't really show it often. my brother is lame, crappy, funny, annoying, doting, caring, selfish, rude and smart. this is what i think of him. although he has many many countless flaws, he has his attributes too. i love him because he's my brother. okay, i'm gonna go down to have my fringe cut now!

School's a bore

being in school without charlene is really sucky. life's so boring in school without her! miss crapping, laughing for no apparent reason and talking with her. :( can't imagine being in a class without her next semester. well i'm kinda feeling upset today because i've just seen an ugly side of someone. well that's life. in life, you meet different kinds of people and you learn something from them. at least now i know. you know you can't really hide your real character because every actions you do, you will reveal it out gradually without even realizing it. today's lesson is killing me. my brain cells are almost used up and my energy's draining away.. business statistics. fortunately, my teacher has been really nice to me and she guided me when i told her i was lost.

time flies though. i'm already halfway there before school ends. :) on a sad note, i have to stay in class alone after school because my first driving lesson is at 555pm. hoho i can't wait! my first practical lesson! i'm so sick of school:( i wanna go on a vacation!

Not a bed of roses.

Life is not a bed of roses. And it will never be. I always get upset and disappointed with the people around me. Perhaps it's because i care too much about the way they treat me or i expect too much from them. so i'm now left in a state of anger and disappointment. i was supposed to attend church today. sadly, no one answered my phone calls or messages. some called me back and replied, some didn't even bother to call or reply my messages. thinking that no one was going to church, i dragged my time at the flea booth hoping someone would call me and accompany me for service.

eventually, someone did but it was already quite late. i packed up my stuff and rushed to the taxi stand in the rain and crowd. i was contemplating whether to go to church or home when i was in the cab because it was already quite late. i made the wrong choice. i went home instead. i could still make it on time for service actually. received a nasty reply from my cousin afterwards saying if i had the heart to come for service, i would. i'm so upset and angry at her reply. people can be so selfish, nasty and mean. they can be so tactless, inconsiderate and ignorant to other people's feelings.

i have now come to the conclusion that everyone only care about themselves. everything they do, they do it for the benefit of themselves. they won't make sacrifices for you or make efforts just for the sake of you. they won't go to the extra mile for you.

once again, i'm all alone. i'm glad to say the person who really puts me first in his life would be my dad. he's the only person in this world who loves me more than anything else.

the pencil and the eraser.

some random cute post from tumblr but really touching and cute.
Pencil: You know, I'm really sorry.
Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong.
Pencil: I'm sorry, 'cause you get hurt because of me. When ever i make a mistake, you always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller everytime.
Eraser: That's true, but i don't really mind. You see, i was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though, one of these days, I know i'll be gone and you have to replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad.

My soulmate

Will i ever meet someone who truly loves and cares for me? will my marriage with him last? will we be always happy together and remain intimate even till our hairs are gray and our bodies starts to deteriorate? i am always worried over this. will my future husband always love, care, dote, defend and protect me? ever since young, i have always thought that perfect love only exist in fairy tales. i am always skeptical about love. why? because my eyes have seen too many. my ears have heard too many. broken marriages, adultery, lack of communication, no more feelings for each other, indifference, bitterness, unforgiveness and so much more. i was born in a complete family. it ended when i was three. being raised up in an incomplete family makes you doubt love all the time. even lose faith in it. yes, everything is sweet at the beginning. courtship and dating. basically they are called the honeymoon period. but once the honeymoon period is over, things will start to change. i have witnessed this in most couples. so i am afraid. very afraid of the future.

one of the greatest desires of my heart is to get married to a guy who will love me till the day my heart stops beating. even so, i will be forever etched in his memory and heart. i desire to find someone who will never cheat on me, always respect me, pampers me and dotes on me. i want him to always be there for me, love me and care for me. i want him to set his eyes only on me. i want to be that special woman he adores. i want him to thank god for me.

yes, i still believe in love. because i trust god. i know his plans for me. his plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. because if our earthly father knows how to give good things to us, how much more will god give to us? god knows the desires of my heart. god will not let me down. all i have to do is to follow him, obey him, delight in him and love him with all my soul and all my heart. i have to seek intimacy with him first. my god is holding the key. for that special guy to enter my heart. i have to surrender my heart to god. i have to let go and let god. i have to trust him with all my heart and with all my soul.

ultimately, the best relationship is with god.

i was desperate to touch god. because i had come to the conclusion that all flesh was grass, it was chasing after the wind, it was a vanity, here today and gone tomorrow. i had to touch the uncreated, because he was what was eternal. i was desperate. i said " i have to touch you, because you're the only thing that remains."
-Misty Edwards

I am so in love with this song.

the flu

unfortunately, i am down with the flu. :( throat hurts and i can't stop sneezing and coughing. not just that, i've got an ulcer and my menstrual cramps are seriously killing me. i have been having cramps for the past few months even before my period and they are so torturing. it's amazing how i even managed to survive those cramps. i know i'm going to suffer a full day torturing cramps soon so i have already prepared medicine whenever i head out. got a stronger medicine from the doctor as the previous one is too mild for me. i really don't want to rely on painkillers every month. i've tried chinese medicine and evening primrose oil but they don't seem to be working. what should i do? i need a cure for my cramps!

anyhow, had a really fun day with charlene and burger king after our field trip today. we decided to sing instead of watching movie. truly an enjoyable day spent with them. :) i was mesmerized by charlene's voice. she can sing really well!

Oh, temptations.

Skipped school today, my usual habit in secondary school. Sigh. Temptations are really hard to resist. The idea of sleeping longer than usual and not having to be in school for lessons is really tempting. Somehow, I convinced myself that i would study hard for my ut later on. Received another text from nicole asking me to go oakham market with her. Double temptation. So, my plan is to revise for my ut then oakham market with her. Hmm kinda shocking, Enjoying on an exam day. I really want to declare that i will not skip any lesson again in future. But, i dare not. Because i have said this once and failed to keep my word. Oh well. I will try not to skip school again in future. I can't wait to watch puss in boots and have dinner with xiu jie and charlene later on at night! Been quite some time since i went to town.

Yeah, my mind is all about shopping, going out and watching movies. There's so many things i want to do yet so little time. Like, take up some hobbies or learn to play the piano again.

School is driving me crazy. Oh school school school. How i wish i can take a break from school sometimes. Disappear for awhile. Have a mini adventure. An exciting, mind-blowing adventure.

Dreams and wishes

neglectance

I was walking home this evening when i saw this particular beagle at a quiet, empty looking house. Inside it was a dog I have seen a few times before and every time i walked past it, it will give me a very sad, longing look. Through it's eyes, i can clearly see it has not been properly taken care of. Neither does it look like It has been cared or loved by it's owner.

I could read tons of emotions from it's eyes. the beagle looked so helpless and pathetic. Seems like it was trying to tell to take him away. I have walked past it countless time but i have never felt any strong feelings towards it. Today, seeing the beagle resting in the rain simply broke my heart. I wanted to take it away from it's cruel owner and give him a better life. But i know that is impossible. I could't do nothing. The least i could do is to give him some treats. The minute i got home, i took some dog treats and fed it through the gate.

Oh, the cruelty of some owners.

God, only you can understand me.

I just received a text message from my dearest cousin. Told her about how i felt and i found her reply to be very true. She said "believe me. nobody will understand except God. Nobody will understand because nobody else in the world will be going through the same thing as you. The experiences, the childhood, the family, the things you go through, your values, your perspective. Nobody goes through the same as you do.

This is so true because i have tried explaining how i feel many times to friends and family members but i realize they don't entirely understand how i feel. When i am upset, angry or disappointed. This is why i choose to shut down from the world in times like this. Because i have come to realize that god is the only one who understands. He not only understands completely, he also heals and brings comfort to me.

Helplessness blues

I am so upset and disappointed. It's over the same person again, my best friend. Our relationship has gone from a scale of 10/10 to a scale of 3/10 now. Words can't describe how hurt i am feeling right now. Why must i always be the sensitive one? The one who always cares more? I am sick of feeling this way. Let me be in your shoes. This way, i probably won't feel so hurt right now. The fact is that i care way too much. I have grown so fond and attached to you over the years. I miss you so damn much. I miss those times we spent together be it happy or sad. I wish i am back in secondary school now so i can relive those memories with you once again.

The painful fact now? you have forgotten all about me. I am sick of making the effort when you are not even trying. To keep our friendship as close as ever. You promised me. But now, it seems like your current classmates in school are much more important compared to me. Why? What went wrong? Different circumstances? Yes, I know that. But why is it that i see other people maintaining that closeness with their best friends but not us? What exactly went wrong? You are changing. You don't realize it because you are often so caught up with your school work, family, current new friends etc. Have you forgotten about me?

You told me we would remain in brackets forever. You promised me we would never ever drift apart. Even after going to different schools. But it is happening in our very own eyes. I am sad. So terribly sad. I am hurt, once again. Yet you have no idea. No idea your best friend is so hurt because of you. You might say I am sensitive. But what you don't know is I treasure our friendship way too much. More than you ever could imagine.

Today I don't feel like doing anything.

I am blogging in school right now. Finally, some free time aside! Rarely will i get a chance to blog during lesson. Hmm, so what's up? I've got a basic theory test later on and i really really hope I'll pass this time round. It was really disappointing for me when i failed the test a few months ago. I am so excited to get my driver's license. I have been wanting it since I was very young! I really can't wait to get it. There's so many things i want to do after getting it. I want to bring snowie to the beach and have a good bonding session with her. I'll watch the sunset with her and take her for walks along the beach. I want to go out in the middle of the night for supper to satisfy my cravings. I want to watch a midnight movie. I want to take my grandma out for lunch. I want to drive her to the mall. I want to drive to the mall and drive home without worrying whether the bus will be crowded. I want to drive to places which i enjoy going. The thought of shopping with ease and no more aching of arms for carrying shopping bags really cheers me up.... :) Well, time to stop dreaming and get back to lesson. A picture to describe my mood now,

Portishead - Roads

I'm caught in the symmetry of your mind

I am so in love with Mew and Stars.

Mew - She Came Home For Christmas

Mew - Symmetry

Stars - Better be heaven

Yes, I do

I plan on visiting every point of every continent before the day I die.

And if I don’t make it, at least I know my spirit will.

You’ve got a choice: you can either follow or join me. But you WILL NOT lead me. I follow only the beating of my own heart. the sound of my own voice, my own souls yearning.

Oh, there is nothing that my soul longs for more than to watch the sunrise with you on that old pier. Yes, that old pier on the lake.

I want to buy you a helicopter so you can travel to where ever your heart desires. I want to learn a new language with you. I need to celebrate the beginning of a new year with you somewhere other than here.

Would you let me wrap you in a blanket in the streets of China at night? We’ll fall asleep hand in hand, heart in heart.

We can wake up in New Zealand and roll down mountains. We can breathe in the fog, the cold. I’ll make you pancakes for breakfast while you seduce me with your laughter.

I want to have snowball fights with you and document every second. My camera loves nothing more than the honesty of your face. You’re my muse, my infatuation, my one, and my only.

All I want to do is cuddle and make you feel safe. I want to see the world and share everything. I like to make you feel as happy as you make me feel.

Please, lets sail every ocean and see every star, walk every land and meet every person. Let’s hear every story and sing every verse. Let’s see everything tragic and everything beautiful that the world has to offer.

Because life is forever exciting when it’s you and I…

Letting Go

I Shouldn't hold on so tightly to things i love. This is not healthy. I am angry at myself for holding on to things so tightly all the time. Especially people i love and care for. Perhaps I'm just over sensitive. I tend to think too much and get paranoid when I see someone dear to me or someone whom I hang out with on a regular basis being close with someone else other than me. I get upset and afraid. I guess you can call this a fear of losing them. This always happens to me once i start to rely, trust and depend on someone. Once i start cultivating a true friendship/ relationship with them. Once i have gotten close with them. Once i really care about them. Once i really start to love them. Though i know that this is not the right way to handle relationships, things etc. I still can't help it. It's human nature. But i can and will overcome this bad habit of mine. Because the tighter you hold on to something, the more it will slip away. And everything in this world will eventually pass.

Isaiah 40:8
"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever"

On a side note, i really really adore the stuffed toys i saw in the arcade machine yesterday! Someone please teach me a trick on how to catch something inside a claw machine :'(

A letter from God.

My daughter,

You are right where you are supposed to be. So many people have theories and insights on how couples are to come together and the truth is that many miss it by interpreting what they want rather than what I choose. A man pursuing, a girl refusing, these are not necessarily the optimal conditions for mate selection. Adam did not “pursue” the Woman, nor did she spend her time creating ways to make it challenging for him to do so. Just like one’s purpose or date of birth and death, it is I who determines the “who, when, and where” of authentic and Spirit-led matrimony and intimacy. It is the responsibility of both parties to follow as I lead.

You are not waiting on some man to “get his act together” or “see you for who you really are,” and no matter how it may appear to you in the physical realm, in the spiritual sense, “he” is right on schedule, my schedule. You are not to be listening to what man says, no matter in what form the voice may reveal itself (media, tradition, statistics, naysayers, and so on). remember, I decided when it was time for Adam to receive the miracle of female assistance and so if you have an issue with physical time, don’t take that up with anyone other than me; even then, know that I have your best interest at heart. Far too many of my daughters are consuming themselves with fear and anxiety about things that are really none of their concern. My ways are not your ways and until I unite you with the one you are purposed to benefit, his whereabouts and activities are not to be a priority to you. If you have not been joined to him yet, it’s simply because it’s not the right moment. He is not ready and neither are you. There are finishing touches that must be placed on you both and no matter how you may feel of what you might think, I am a God of order. I will not be pressured to move outside of my plan.

I know it must be hard. Flesh never likes to submit to my will. But please let me continue to mold you. Before you ever existed, you were hand-selected for someone and that has not changed. As the Creator, I am excited about my handiwork. Don’t go looking for answers to questions you are not able to conceptualize or present in a way that will intimidate me to react or respond. As I did with your parents, let me have the pleasure of presenting you as a gift to your mate. Ask your mother and father if they will ever forget the first time they saw your face. I want “him” to experience a similar thrill. If you want to channel our your energies, get excited about how excited I am about you, about how blessed I know he will be to have you!

Again, don’t concern yourself about the time. I am timeless. Concern yourself instead with remaining in my hands so that I can perfect you to be all that he needs, so that when it’s the right moment, there will be no fear, no hesitation, no question that you are indeed the one whom he is meant to live out the rest of his days on the earth with. Far too many women are not praised on their wedding day by their husbands in the way I would’ve liked because they did not allow me the opportunity to complete them to be what was required, and the man was not discerning enough to know the true purpose that his companion was meant to serve in his life.

I want more for you. Love me enough to let me give it to you. Just as you are to be a blessing to him, he is to be provider and protector for you; he is to bless you as well in ways even your prayers have yet to articulate, but in my infinite wisdom, I know you deserve.

Remember, above all else that, like faith (Heb. 11:6), marriage is a spiritual union. This is the time to remove yourself from your senses, from what the physical is telling you, and tap into your spirit. This is when you can please me most by standing and believing that I am try to my Word, even when you don’t see, feel, or hear evidence of its manifestation. The spirit always moves at what you all call “light years” ahead of the flesh. It takes it some time to catch up. Be patient (1 Cor. 13:4).

Stay in my will and I will show you the way—a way that leads to love, bliss, and happiness, a place where you will feel naked and not ashamed…until death parts you. A place where your future husband will restfully await you.

I love you. Be still and know. Really know, I do.
Your Heavenly Father 

From the book “Pure Heart” by Shellie R. Warren

The simple pleasures of life

The simple pleasures of life. What can you think of? To me, it is simply playing in an arcade, watching movies, reading, sitting by a cozy cafe for hours and wasting time away. It is doing something carefree and not worrying about anything. It is doing something which brings back childhood memories. It is doing something which helps relieve your worries and troubles. I love wasting time. I love reading for hours and hours and hours. It takes me away to a world full of romance and fantasy and mystery. It touches my emotions. It transports my mind away to a world i never know of. I love watching movies. It makes me laugh and cry. I love watching comedies because it releases endorphins and makes me happy for a moment. I love to feel happy. Who doesn't? I love romance shows because they never fail to make me believe in love again. That true love does exist. I love spending quality time with my loved ones. And surprisingly, I actually like spending time alone at times because it allows me to reflect upon myself. It helps me to discover who I am. Sometimes, i can feel a thousand emotions going through my mind when I am alone.

studying is a chore

I have decided to skip school today and commit myself to studying for tomorrow's test. Studying is a chore. I have never enjoyed studying since i started school at the age of four and fourteen years later, I still hate studying. Although it is not as bad compared to the time when i was mugging for my o levels, it is still equally sick and tiring. I often find myself wondering if life is all about studying and getting good grades in order to keep up with society. Sometimes i feel that society is unfair. Indeed it is. They categorise us according to our grades ever since we were young. We are either categorise into EM1 which apparently is the best stream or EM2 which is the second best stream and lastly, EM3. Those students who got into EM3 will be in the normal technical stream when they enter secondary school. If they do not work hard enough, their future is somewhat doomed. Students who scored good grades for their PSLE will be able to enter into the express stream when they enter secondary school while students who scored average grades can only enter into normal academic. Isn't that unfair? Wouldn't students feel demoralised? In secondary school, I have learnt that students who are in the best class get better treatment, better teachers. I have learnt that students studying in prestigious schools get better chances of entering a good university and earn a higher paying job in future. This is why i am not surprised when i hear of students commiting suicide due to bad grades or students who turn mad and weird from over studying. Because society is pressurizing. It makes us feel that if we do not work hard enough, we will not be able to keep with the pace of living in this world and succeed. However, i often find myself procrastinating and not studying hard enough. Because i believe life is so much more than studying. It is always a moment of greed and plain laziness. Me wanting to do things i enjoy instead of things i should be doing. Sometimes, it was due to fatigueness. Anyhow, I have learnt that you reap what you sow. Effort and hard work will reap you good results. And now, back to studying.

The consequence of burying

So, i have decided to create a blog again and start blogging whenever i feel like doing so. What can i say? It had been a tough weekend for me. Conflicts, arguments, unhappiness, disputes, quarrels, bitterness, anger, sadness and unforgiveness is exposed. The once so joyful, caring and loving cell group I used to be in is slowly disappearing from my sight. All along, we know that things are starting to change but we continue to hide it. We refused to acknowledge it. What we do not realise is that this will not make things better but worse, actually. Now, we have come to the point of this deadly consequence which we have to face. But, i still choose to believe that things will eventually be alright. Everything will be alright once again. Only time.